Sounds like a sci-fi story right? I bet you're thinking wait,
isn't Monogamy the norm and Polyamory still rare? Guess it would depend on the
circle you run with. As for me, my best friend and my boyfriend are both Poly. When
I first met my boyfriend, I was a swinger and I preferred open relationships with
extra sex on the side. I thought that Poly made sense and it couldn't be that
different.
Wow, was I wrong, LOL.
The first word you learn around a poly person is communication,
but all people should come with a dictionary. It is amazing to see how many
fights can be started over a definition of a word.
"You agreed to this and that"
"Of course I did,
that has nothing to do with this"
Definitions got me in so much trouble in the beginning, and after
2 years, they still catch me off guard sometimes, but not as much as not
knowing who I was and what I needed in a relationship. I have always believed
that we never stop learning but I didn't realize how much, at 42 years old, I
still needed to learn. Like being careful of experts; or at least the ones who
feel their version of relationships are the only way.
I like to have very
set rules in place in a relationship, my boyfriend is the opposite, preferring
to roll with the waves and see where things lead. It can be hard when he wants to go out with a
female friend, since I know anyone of them could turn into a girlfriend. But
see the problem here is I think every girl wants him and no girl would ever
just want to be friends with him. (Don’t we all think that of our partners?
lol) He has lots of female friends that he doesn't sleep with and some that he
does, (Friends with benefits) but he only has 3 girlfriends.
One of his girlfriends, he knew before me who is also Poly,
is a very sweet girl. She has a boyfriend that lives near her and he is her
primary, for lack of a better word, partner. (Be careful of words like “primary”
not all people believe in having one partner above the other, there those
definitions again.) My boyfriend and I use to help organize a poly party and she
would come and help out.
Once he and I went out with her and her boyfriend, the whole
time all I could think about was how she got both of them and I felt left out.
I see him all the time she sees him once or twice a year maybe. He didn't
ignore me at all either. This had nothing to do with anyone but me. My
boyfriend is always encouraging me to date others. I am only trapped by myself.
Thoughts like how my parents stayed married but fought all the time, with my father
leaving and coming back again. Or things like being sexually abused as a child
and not knowing how it affected me. Even things like feeling I was raised to be
strong and I couldn't show weakness; after all I came from women who pushed
boundaries. Or even society leaving the impression that I am not good enough if
he wants more than one lover.
My boyfriend’s second girlfriend has a harder row of hoe
with me. Again, through no fault of her own as I have never met her.
Some of which is due to the fact that he had another
girlfriend when he and I started dating. She was new and they started dating
about the same time him and I did. It didn't end well with them and wound up affecting
our relationship even though he promised me that another girl would never
affect us. I tried to be friends with her. I was a little hurt when they broke
up, after all I didn't get any closure with her. Which, why should I? I wasn't
dating her after all.
I realize, as I am writing this, that this has a lot to do
with me feeling she would have been a better choice. She blamed their break up
on me; that I was too controlling. And she called herself Poly. He calls
himself Poly and so do both his other two girlfriends. But here is the next
lesson I need to learn. He is an adult, he chose me and I have to respect his
opinion that it is a better fit for him.
Tonight we are supposed to go out with my best friend who is
also Poly and her new dating partner who is Poly. I am so nervous; more Poly
people to judge why I am not right. More people to explain why a Poly -
Monogamous relationship will never work.
So here is my advice which I have been given and have yet to
take to heart. The only people who matter in your relationship are the people
you are dating. Remember your all adults
and entitled to make your own choices.
If he has to deal with me being jealous, not white knighting and leave
because he think I would be better off. Then I need to remember he chose me and
it is not my place to decide he would be better off with all poly girlfriends.
All relationships are a give and take. So my advice to the
Monogamous person who falls for a Poly? Communication. :D
OK I am sure I have lots more to write. Feedback is much
appreciated too :)
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